Monday, February 29, 2016

Cliches I Wish I Had


Writers. We're such a strange set. We're such a cool set. I don't much like the stereotypes surrounding writers and their lives. We aren't all recluses - we can't afford to be. One has to actually socialize these days in order to have any sort of following. But there are some stereotypes that I wish I could fit in because, let's face it, the traditional writer (which I'm not) is a pretty cool creature. That being said, I wish I could...

...live in a coffee shop

Looking at my flash fiction, you might think I live at a coffee shop, but that's not true. I would love to be a regular. I would love to have a well-worn corner at the bar and a barista who knew my name and slid a fresh latte toward my laptop because he knew by the knitting of my brow and the pricking of my thumbs that I wasn't feeling the whole editing thing today.

...sit on a white bed with perfectly shaved legs effortlessly balancing a laptop

Confession: I think sitting with your laptop anywhere near your actual lap is cause for ovarian cancer or something. At any rate, I'm sure it's not good for you. Also, who really wants to sit in bed all day? Also, whose feet don't fall asleep, like, right away after sitting Indian-style for more than five minutes? But you have to admit - it looks pretty darn cosmopolitan.

...survive off coffee alone

Coffee is so low calorie, I almost wish I could be one of those writers who gets so absorbed in their work that they can't stop for food. That's how those girls keep so slim. #coffeeislife...I'm sorry, but I'm the opposite. If I'm even remotely hungry, I get the worst hankering to A) stop for a snack B) eat all the chocolate, ever, in the whole world C) browse Instagram ad infinitum. I love coffee...but I also love muffins, toast, Chex Mix, pink lady apples, tangerines, trail mix, chocolate chips, granola, and many other things it's possible to love more than coffee.

...willingly shut out social life

We've discussed before how this aspect of my personality one hundred percent shoots me in the Achille's heel. It's almost impossible for me to choose writing time over people-time and that's why I'm sitting here writing a humorous blog post instead of sharing snippets of all the work (snark) I've gotten done recently. Of any writer stereotype, this one is the one I would give my left hand for. Not my right arm...I need that for writing, when I get around to it.

...achieve the perfect messy bun + bangs

You'd think after all these years I would be able to get this one right. That perfect top-knot that every college sorority girl knows how to do. I just can't. I can coil my hair into a sort of tea-pot handle and stab a pen through it, but that's about all. Rest in peace, hopes for the iconic writer-girl hairstyle. You just weren't meant to be.

....have so much plot it's bursting from my ears

This goes right up next to willingly shutting out social life. How people are overwhelmed with plot is beyond me. I am overwhelmed with atmosphere and characters and setting and clever sentences but plot comes to me only after blood sacrifices. Sheesh. Give girl a break, Plot, for heaven's sake!

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What are some stereotypes you'd like to be afflicted with?

P.S. Good luck to those of you who entered Rooglewood Press's Five Magic Spindles contest! I can't wait to see the winners' names tomorrow. 

7 comments:

Skye Hoffert said...

I want to live at a coffee shop, I love Starbucks, but I think it's far too expensive and pretentious to write in. If I were to do that I would want a small,out of the way shop. As I'm reading this I have my laptop on my lap, never thought of what it could do to me before, but
my legs are unshaven.

E.F.B. said...

Hehehe! This post made me laugh. :)

I don't drink coffee, so any stereotypes related to that are out.
I wouldn't mind the perfectly shaved legs thing, though. I'm so lazy about that, not to mention my legs are so pale they practically glow in the dark.

I wouldn't mind the perfect messy bun either, but no more bangs for me. I had bangs from the time I was about 3 or 4 until I was 18-ish. Way too much hassle, especially since my oily face made them look dirty SO much faster than the rest of my hair. I finally got tired of them and grew them out.

The most I've heard about laptops possibly hurting you is that the heat they emit can cause burns and possibly (but rarely) skin cancer from the type of burn, which is why you need something like a laptop desk (which I have) between you and your laptop. But I agree that it would be annoying to balance it on your lap while sitting in bed all day. Once I'm up for the day, I'm up. I don't even like staying in bed when I'm sick.


Plot bursting from my ears would be AWESOME. If that was the case, maybe I'd have a story finished by now! Or maybe if I didn't procrastinate online so much and focused solely on writing instead... Nah. Plot bursting from ears is definitely the answer. :p

Elisabeth Grace Foley said...

You know, I want to go write in a coffee shop someday just because it's the modern-day-writer-fashionable-thing to do. But I wouldn't be going for the coffee or the Wi-Fi, because I write on paper and rarely drink coffee...!

If I sit on the edge of a bed with my laptop, I get a stiff neck and back within minutes. So I prefer a table. And as for the messy bun, my hair is super-fine and smooth and straight, so the only way I can get an updo with some fluff is with a curling iron and hairspray. :)

You are right about the laptop-on-lap business, but I believe that's actually the wireless signal the computer emits. We actually hardwired our whole house and switched off the wireless capability on our computers last year, so we're not living with the constant radiation of a wireless signal any more—we just plug in an Ethernet cord for internet (and no more losing internet signal at the most inconvenient moments, either!).

Rosie McCann said...

I'm actually one of those weird authors with plot simply bursting from my ears :P However, I don't drink coffee . . . never have. Yes, I know I'm strange!

Dani Jeanne said...

I just thought you should know this post was pretty much perfect. I have always wanted to fulfill the starving artist stereotype, be in an obscure folk band, work in a coffee shop, and write on my blog.

Dani xoxo
a vapor in the wind

Rachel Heffington said...

Skye: Yeah, Starbucks isn't exactly the sort of place one sits and writes...
E: Well, that's a fair reason to get rid of bangs.
Elisabeth: I'M SO PARANOID NOW. Oh my stars.
Rosie: You lucky duck. I'm quite put out with you.
Dani: Haha! Thank you so much for the comment! It made me laugh. :)

Rosie McCann said...

Hahaha, sorry! :)