Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Characters One Should Use In Writing...

Hey everyone! I want to introduce you to something amazing! To wit, a guest post by my hilarious friend, Bertie Wooster. Ahem. Sorry--pardon me. *Kicks Jeeves back into his corner* By my special friend, Miss Harriet Smith. Dear dear me. Let me try this once more. By my kindred spirit, The Anne-Girl. I asked her to write a little something to keep this writing blog from being entirely desolate while I'm away in Georgia, and so Anne rummaged up her humor (which is never far away) and wrote this merry, saucy little post for you to enjoy:

Characters One Should Use While Writing.

*disclaimer: this post is meant as a joke, I love and enjoy characters who belong to these generalizations. With that in mind go and read the post.*

In the course of my career as a writer it has come to my attention that I am not the only one striving for inky excellence{that I use keyboard and pencil more than pen is inconsequential} for the common good I have put together this list of characters to put into your books. These are not the only characters you are allowed to use.  But they are the most popular ones so read and learn peoples read and learn.

Here comes the wisdom.

The strong impassioned hero.
These are the guys who stare into the middle distance while delivering a speech on the hopeless quest that they have pledged their lives to. It helps if there is a swooning heroine{see below} gazing up at him for dramatic affect. These scenes are indispensable for insuring that your book will melt the heart of all female readers. Be sure that he saves people for breakfast and he must either have an accent or a horse. Preferably both. Also necessary for proper effect: a villain, two or three followers, and at least one scene being wounded.

The fainting heroine
Note: This kind of heroine doesn't have to actually faint, though it is helpful. Want to write a book about a hero without writing from a guys perspective? This heroine is for you! All she ever thinks about is the hero anyway so you don't have to mess up your book by telling about her story as well as his. it is obligatory that she have a sensitive mind and delicate beauty such as takes ones breath away. Phrases such as "she was in acute mental agony" and " ____ burst into an agony of tears and sobs" are useful to remember. She must be ready to die for the sake of her beloved one, or almost die so that he can either have the fun of rescuing her.  Further note: this kind of heroine must be small. If she is big you will find such stuff as "And then I took my darling in my arms and carried her insensible up the cliffs away from the certain danger though in truth she weighed no more then a child and even if she had I would have felt nothing so great was my joy at....ect. ect." {roughly paraphrased from Lorna Doone} rather hard to put in.

The tortured poet
To write one of these you must first understand that any action that does not have something to do with love will be chucked out of the window by readers as unrealistic. However these guys are so wild and mentally brilliant that you can get away with just about anything. Applesauce throwing, punching people with feet, writing reams of poetry, going off to war and getting shot, and banging their heads into trees are all things that can be put under the heading of "things done for love" as long as you make your poet tortured enough. Don't ever give them a happy ending. It would shame them and destroy their sense of the incomplete.  Besides it's mean to take people out of their comfort zones. 

The "different" girl 
The key to writing the different girl is to write her just like different girl ever written. Breaking the mold is unacceptable in this category. So listen carefully, these are the requirements of the different girl. She must live in a community where she is not understood. All {except a hero or two} must condemn her at least a little for her lone ways. She must be absolutely so beautiful that guys ask her to marry them on first meeting. But it must be a different beauty. Not the conventional beauty! On no account can this kind of character be beautiful in the common way. All the old ladies of her acquaintance must say she is "not pretty" She must be "starry" she must remind the hero of a lily or a star flower. She must have decided opinions but on no account can she know her own mind about the hero. She must repulse him at least once. Several times are effective and a refused proposal is the best way really.  She must walk by her wild lone and wave her wild tail. And she must either write or be wrapped up in stories of some kind. For further guidelines read the books of Lucy Maud Montgomery.  

The Sidekick
One word. Weird. Make them weird. If they are not weird then people will mistake them for heroes or heroines and that we do not want. Follow these three easy steps and you are on your way to the perfect sidekick. Think up a lot of cheerful quirky ways of stating life's truths then work them into the story with your sidekick saying them. Think up a quirky weird habit and give it to your sidekick. Kick the sidekick out of all the scenes where he is wanted and have him show up when he MC wants to be left alone. There you have it! The perfect sidekick.       

Anne girl is a young writer who enjoys alternately squealing over and pocking fun at her favorite things {such as characters}.  She loves writing, plot bunnies,  blogging, and laughing. You can find her at her blog Scribblings


ashley tahg said...

HAHA! Loved it! I think 'The Poet' is rather my favorite.
And the "Taking people out of their comfort Zones" is HILARIOUS!!!

Anonymous said...

Spectacular. I love it when people satirize topics to the point of humor, especially when it takes the form of laughing at the things they enjoy. I was smiling through most of it. The Fainting Heroine was my favorite because I could not help but equate everything you said to Marguerite in The Scarlet Pimpernel.(The book.) The story is told almost exclusively from her perspective. Your "Agony" phrases are well used in that book. (It may also have had something to do with the fact that I have never had the courage to attempt to write a female character that has to be convincing over the long hall.) Thanks for sharing.

Anne-girl said...

Yeah the fainting heroine was based on Marguerite.

Dakota Densmore said...

LOL nice!! XD LOVE the sidekick one. Hey, that gives me an idea. . . . ! :D *disappears in a flutter of paper in search of a pencil*

Jessica Greyson said...

Brilliant. Positively brilliant! I loved this!
Thank you for sharing.


Morgan said...

Haha! Brilliance!