Friday, February 10, 2012

The Eight Carnal Rules of an Un-Valentine! :)

In keeping with the humorous bent of this blog party so far, I have compiled a list of advice for Un-Valentined and un-husbanded young women. It is rather good advice. You may take it or leave it as you will. I prescribe taking it. It will at the very least cheer you up. :)

The first rule in being Husband-less on Valentine's day is...

*Ahem*. What was I saying?

The First Carnal Rule is this:
Eat Chocolate. It is really that simple.

A second generally follows the first, and thus I give you the Second Carnal Rule:
Read Pride and Prejudice to yourself [especially the epic parts] in your best British accent. Don't skimp on the deep, mellow tones when you get to Mr. Darcy's dialog.

The Third Carnal Rule, which must needs follow the second if this world is to hold together is:
Avoid the mailbox. What you don't find can't hurt you, you know? Therefore you can happily labor under the delusion that there is a Valentine from a Secret Admirer languishing in your mailbox and you will never be any the wiser if you don't go and retrieve it. :) Happy thought.

As Some people desire four to follow three, I give you the Fourth Carnal Rule:
Get together with a bunch of other Un-Valentines and go out to a tea-house or coffee-house. Consume your liquid recklessly, though being careful not to spill. When someone mentions the present day, say, "What? Oh--it's Valentine's Day? Imagine that! I ought to check my mailbox." [Only don't. That is, don't check you mailbox.]

You really are unreasonable clamoring for a fifth but I will oblige you. The Fifth Carnal Rule of a Husband-less sort is this:
Wear red or pink whenever you go out on February 14. These two shades lend color to an otherwise pale or sallow cheek, thereby increasing your chances of Husband-catching. The fellows don't prefer a cadaver, you know.

I know how to count, thank you very much. The Sixth...I said, the Sixth Carnal Rule would be:
Grab a sister (and it is even better if the sister doubles as an Un-Valentine) and make up swing-dancing steps to Dean Martin's "Sway" or Frank Sinatra's "The Way you Look Tonight." Pretend your sister or the Un-Valentine is not a girl at all but a Somebody. You will suddenly wish to never stop dancing. :P

Seven is considered a good sort of number--some say it's lucky but I don't believe in luck. Therefore Carnal Rule Number Seven is....:
If you happen to go to any sort of a dance or a party, look as if you are having fun. You don't have to be having fun to appear like you are having fun. Smile. Look in people's eyes, not flirtatiously, but happily. You will be asked to dance rather quickly, or else some fellow will spill punch on your shoes and have to mop it up. In either case you will no longer be alone.

What cheek! You say you demand an eighth because seven is not a round number? Fine. I will oblige you just this once and then have done with my advising. Here you go. The Eighth Carnal Rule of an Un-Valentine:
Read 1 Corinthians 13 and remember that you are loved, even if there is no So-and-So just yet. Romance is not the only love that is  valuable. *ducks rotten tomatoes* It might be a forbidden pleasure, but then, one can't exactly despise being loved in any fashion. Read the chapter, think about it, and then go about picking apart all the romances you know and see if they measure up to your new standards. ;)


Miss Dashwood said...

Ooh, Rachel, I loved your eight cardinal rules! I think you should do more of these, on different themes, they were such fun!
The mopping up punch at a party had me in stitches. ;)
Thanks for the reminder to show true love to everyone this Valentine's Day and not waste time mooning about for a Significant Other--we need to put our trust in the Lord and use these single years to develop the 1 Corinthians 13 attitude!

Anonymous said...

Awesome! I love the counting introductions.

Maria Tatham said...

This is great, Rachel! You will make heroines out of as many as you can! Bless you,

ashley tahg said...

I snub every guy I meet, so I'm not amazed I won't get a valentine! lol

Elaine J. Dalton said...

This is so cool and hilarious! Although, I will probably still do rule #1 even though I now have a special someone to share Valentine's Day with. ;)